The New Movie Poster Round Up! (2023)

Hey, everyone! Back by popular demand (and personal layoff), it’s the new movie poster round up. That’s the weekly feature where I dissect all of the week’s new movie posters! It honestly seems pretty self-explanatory now that I type it out loud.

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The laws of alphabetical order dictate we begin this week’s New Movie Poster Round Up with Book Club, starring Candice Bergen, Jane Fonda, and Mary Steenburgen.

I don’t know if Jane Fonda hit 80 or so (she’s 85 now) and thought, “I’m only going to make movies with my friends now,” but I did see 80 For Brady and it was one of the most surreal movie experiences I’ve ever had in a theater. It felt like all the actresses were almost never in the same room together for any given scene and that 90% of it was shot on green screens at different times and places.

And honestly? Respect. We don’t need actresses who’ve already accomplished everything they can for a respectable career five times over degrading themselves for some crappy NFL puff piece rehashing a Tom Brady victory. It felt like the movie was degrading itself for them, which is as it should be.

Anyway, that one co-starred Sally Field, Rita Moreno, and Lily Tomlin, and should not be confused with this sequel to 2018’s Book Club, which was, if you’ll remember, “about friends who undergo romantic awakenings after reading Fifty Shades of Grey.”

It once again stars Fonda, Mary Steenburgen, Candice Bergen, and Dianne Keaton.

In the sequel, they go to Italy. Classic “let’s get a free trip to Italy” team-up plot. I was going to ask why Bergen was pictured in front of the crotch of a statue holding his rod, but I think the Fifty Shades angle answered that question. These ladies might look classy and sophisticated, but they also think about sex! All day, just longing for big veiny cocks and washboard abs and powerful hip thrusting. It’s this generation’s “rappin’ grandma.”

Anyway, the pose itself on this isn’t especially evocative. She’s got that Awkwafina posture going, just kind of shrugging her way through life as if to say “What, me worry?”

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This pose is a little better. Jane Fonda’s hands have that “Oh do come in, the cocktails are on the table” vibe to them. That’s a lot to convey with just a couple fingers touching each other. Let’s see an AI try to pull that off.

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From this I’m getting that Mary Steenburgen’s character is the bashful one. The Kristen Davis in Sex and the City character, if you will. “Waaaah, my husband’s penis doesn’t work!” and so forth. Remember that one? You guys remember. Pre-prestige HBO seems so recent and so pre-historic at the same time.

Anyway, I feel like the dress is stealing the show here. It looks like a vagina embedded in a giant penis. The reverse of how that one should go, if you ask me!

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She looks a little bit mentally challenged here. Sorry, but we were all thinking it. You’re doing a husky voice in your head right now and it’s very problematic.

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I guess the poster is kind of a layup when your title is “Cats of Malta” but they still did a great job with this one. It’s got a cat, it’s got Malta… it’s Cats of Malta! What more could you ask for?

Cats are basically the Mona Lisas of the animal world. This guy’s got that face that could either be saying “Mmm, yes, scratchies, please” or “I’m picturing the day of your death and I’m enjoying it.”

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This is one of a new batch of character posters for Chicken Run: Dawn Of The Nugget, a new Aardman Animation movie for Netflix. I’m just glad someone is still giving Aardman money. When you see what they do with clay it’s hard to want any other kind of animation.

Their secret weapon is giving almost every character little overbites like this, which is inexplicable funny every time (it works the opposite with dogs — dogs with underbites = comedic gold).

I’m not sure if the overbites are a brilliant comedic conceit on Aardman’s part, or just British people being straightforwardly representational.

Ha, his chin looks like an old man’s scrotum. And don’t say “takes one to know one,” I already thought of it so you can’t use it.

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EVERYONE HUNGERS FOR SOMETHING! Like for the IP to carry on!

The original Hunger Games had Jennifer Lawrence and Elizabeth Banks, this new one (sequel? prequel? I refuse to look this up) stars… uh… Farnsworth Snogglebottom and the pocket-sized West Side Story girl (Rachel Zegler).

This looks like they got an AI to draw up a poster before they knew what the plot was. What am I supposed to be getting out of this? Art deco vests and billowing sleeves? Thrilling!

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Damn, that big Satan is really palming her like a basketball, isn’t he?

The Get Out team did a great job branding their font. I see that font now and instantly go “Ooh looks good.”

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My favorite movie this week is the incredibly janky-looking Knights of the Zodiac, which stars a bored-looking Sean Bean as ALMAN KIDO. I had never heard of either of these things, so I googled it and immediately discovered that someone is already selling Alman Kido suits.

The Knights of the Zodiac is a highly-anticipated movie set to release in 2023. The movie is an adaptation of the popular anime and manga series "Saint Seiya" and is directed by Tomasz Bagiński. One of the standout features of the movie is the iconic costume worn by one of the characters, Alman Kido, portrayed by the talented actor, Sean Bean. The Alman Kido Blazer is a high-quality product that has been designed to match the costume worn by Sean Bean in the movie.

Wonderful, I love a high-quality product that resembles a costume worn by Sean Bean. That note comes from the awesomely named “,” by the way. It is a nice suit. I hope it can withstand lightning bolts and time travel.

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I audibly laughed at the star of this being a one-named man named “MACKENYU.” One-named people I haven’t heard of will never not be funny to me.

Joke’s on me though, because he’s Sonny Chiba’s son! Apparently the name translates to “True Sword Savior.” Name like that feels like a lot to live up to, you ask me. I think they had to put it all the way to one side of the poster because putting “Mackenyu” next to “Sean Bean” makes “Sean Bean” suddenly seem so frivolous. “Hi, yes, these are the two stars of my movie, True Sword Savior and Terry Asparagus.”

Mark Dacascos is the new Iron Chef guy, by the way. I’ve always heard him described as being an “actor,” and now we finally there’s proof. Speaking of a lot to live up to, imagine being the nephew of a world famous pepper biter:

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I don’t know anything about this anime, by the way. (Could you tell?) Thus I have no way of knowing whether “UNLEASH YOUR COSMO” is a typo or not. I’m picturing my soul opening up and Kramer barging in, to wild studio audience applause.

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This one reminds me of the big wave planet from Interstellar, which is good. Interstellar is so good, I don’t care how ridiculous the ending is. It could’ve been Christopher Nolan jumping through the screen and flipping me the bird and I’d still have to thank him for the wave planet.

Remember when posters all had diagonal horizon lines? I guess we’re still doing that.

Neither here nor there, but “Lucien Laviscount” is the most vampire-ass name I’ve ever heard. If you go on a date with a guy named Lucien Laviscount and he ends up sucking your blood you have only yourself to blame.

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This is the first of a new batch of Little Mermaid posters. I feel like Disney has done an incredible job getting the chuds so worked about them casting people of color that people barely even talk about how lazy this entire slate of projects is. “Hurrrr what if cartoon was people?

Anyway, I kind of hate the tail design here. That’s clearly an aquarium fish! Aren’t mermaids supposed to be all fast and frolicky like dolphins? No way she can go fast with a tail like that, pathetic. (Maybe I’m projecting. I like my mythical fish women fast and frolicky, not languid and drapey. Gross.)

I wish we would’ve just let the Italians who made the “stacked mermaid” sculpture direct this one. If only just to see what they came up with.

“We make-a this-a little-a mermaid-a for-a to show alla di leeto a-kids that it’s-a okay for-a bellissima lady to have-a the curve! In-a Italy, we love-a bellissima lady with-a molto a-curve!”

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Yikes, I don’t like this font. It makes me feel like someone is going to do a money shot on me. It’s hard enough to get people into the theaters.

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I like the eels. Eels are cool. I hope I don’t get reincarnated as anything that has to worry about eels, those things are scary as shit. I see an eel and I’m hightailing it the other direction.

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Javier Bardem looks pretty good as a sea God (minus the not-great mustache work there) but I already saw an octopus play the drums in Aquaman so I’m not sure what I’m going to get out of this.

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“Jonah Hauer-King?” Jeez, England just keeps pumping out guys, don’t they?

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Let’s check the wikipedia, this is always fun with British actors:

Hauer-King was born on 30 May 1995 in Islington, London, the son of Debra Hauer, an American psycho-therapist and Jeremy King, a prominent London restaurateur.[1][2][3] Hauer-King was raised Jewish.[4][5] His maternal grandparents were Polish Jews who fled Warsaw in the 1930s.[6]

Hauer-King attended Eton College and then St John's College, Cambridge, where he graduated with a first class degree in theology and religious studies,[7][4] juggling acting roles on stage and screen whilst he was there.

Wow, only one generation listed and no actual aristocrats? Even with Eton and Cambridge in there this is remarkably humble for a British actor. He’s only schoolmates with royalty.

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Remember Jacob Tremblay? He plays that fish!

He was that kid from Room. He’s 16 now and it looks like he’s only done voice roles since 2020, which seems like a smart way to transition out of child actor-dom.

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Damn, they were doing some wild things with eyebrows in the seventies, weren’t they?

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I’ll admit, I did NOT know they were making a movie adaptation of Bert Kreischer’s closer bit about going to Russia in college. Is this the first film adaptation of a comedy bit? I’m sad we never got Mitch Hedberg’s “There’s No Need To Bring Paper And Pencil Into This” or Jerry Seinfeld in “A Whole Plane Made Out Of Black Boxes.”

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John Slattery directs! It stars a bunch of comedy people but the poster doesn’t make it look like a comedy. This looks like an 80s detective show with a cool theme song. Which isn’t a bad thing, necessarily. I guess we’ll have to wait to find out!

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Apparently this is based on a book, with the logline: “What happens when America's First Son falls in love with the Prince of Wales?

I got a lot more out of that sentence than this poster. Seems like they made the shoes way too black, I can barely tell that they’re both men’s shoes.

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It just wouldn’t be a poster round up without names and pictures seemingly deliberately mismatched solely to piss me off. I also feel like I’m supposed to remember who Jack Whitehall is. Another British actor, it seems.

To the Wikipedia!

Jack Peter Benedict Whitehall was born at Portland Hospital in London's West End on 7 July 1988,[1][2] the son of actress Hilary Amanda Jane Whitehall (née Isbister; stage name Hilary Gish) and television producer Michael John Whitehall. He has a younger sister and brother.[3][4] Whitehall is a descendant of Welsh lawyer Thomas Jones Phillips (not to be confused with Mayor Thomas Phillips[5]), who was a major opponent of the Newport Rising of 1839.[6][7] He had two godfathers: actors Nigel Havers and Richard Griffiths.

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Oh hell yes. Four names, ancestry traced back to the 1830s, multiple godfathers — that’s the classic British actor backstory I’ve come to know and appreciate. Incidentally, “Nigel Havers” seems like a good euphemism for women who are always dating British guys.

Also, why does robot Shailene’s arm look so short? Send that one back to the factory.

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Inarguably our coolest poster of the week. That’s art, baby!

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These movies did so much with textures and 2D that it kind of makes you wish the entire animation industry hadn’t spent the last 20 years moving towards 3D stuff.

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Oh yeah, baby, that’s right, we’ve got new a new Transformers movie coming. It’ll be the first since 2018 and the second not to be directed by Michael Bay.

I remember checking out of Transformers when they started transforming into animals instead of trucks and cars and plans even when I was like seven. Even when I could barely wipe my ass that was a bridge too far. It doesn’t make any sense! How does becoming an apex predator help as a disguise?? People already run from those!

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POSTER DESIGNER: But where are the people supposed to go?

MARKETING GUY: I don’t care, just stick them in there somewhere, it’s in their contract.

I love the pose. It looks like they’re in the middle of doing the “Vincent Vega Looking Around” gif.

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I’m glad the poster conveys the knowledge that this movie will have a giant portal in it though. Not enough of those these days, I always say.

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Listen, I know how silly it is to question the realism of a franchise about aliens who disguise themselves as cars and trucks, and if I remember correctly, there was a scene set in robot heaven a few movies ago. But I don’t care. How does a gorilla disguise help you in New York City! Robots this stupid are not worthy adversaries!

[All posters via IMPawards]


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